What you should ask, before replying to the question "How are you doing?"

"How are you doing?"

"Do you want the honest answer or the polite one?"

What if the honest answer would be that you are depressed, stressed out, heartbroken, sleep-deprived,  broke or just feeling ugly or stupid or hopeless?
How would you reply?

[If I should ask you the Joey Tribbiani style,

how would you reply? 

Would your answer be different?]

Most of the time, when people ask how someone is doing, how a special occasion was or how things are going, they are not *really" asking and therefore they don't expect the other person to provide a real answer.
Even more, if they don't know you well, if you are both busy networking or if they are asking out of politeness, in front of other people or during a social event that is expected to be a fancy and pleasant occasion for all people attending to it and not the place where deep emotions get displayed in all their intensity.

Asking them if they are actually in for the honest answer can go a long way.
And if they are in for the real thing, often it means that the person is really caring about you and willing to deepen your connection. In that frame, you will notice that a completely different kind of conversation can take place, where you are allowed to talk about the scary stuff and steel feel safe and understood.

But let them choose if they want to go there first.

Tags: Small-talk, Small-talk questions, Choosing the right conversation frame

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