Are you always able to spot a compliment or a nice gesture towards you?
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
If you too, like me, spent too many years flirting in German, chances are... that you are not.
Believe me, I feel you.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
W.C. Fields [1880-1946]
About a week ago, during a workshop that I was attending to as an assistant to the trainer, someone I got to know that day didn't get immediately what I was saying, in German. So I said it again. And, since the person was still looking at me quite puzzled, I said it once more.
Luckily enough, I am now aware of the very high level of my German skills, and so I didn't take the thing personally like I would have probably done during the first years abroad, and it was all good to me.
[Purple bunnies plugs as a cameo,
with cute bunny ears, anyone?
Are they going to be all ears as well?]
During a break, while interacting with the same person, I had to explain something and we had the following interaction:
Me (Explaining something in a professional way) - You can do what you need this way or that way.
He (Just looking at me) - Mhh.
Me (Doing my best to speak in a very articulate way) - Did I explain myself properly? Did you get me, this time? Did I speak in a way you can understand?
He (Looking me directly in the eyes) - Oh, when YOU speak, I am all ears.
Me (Taken aback first, and yet able to stay cool, and smiling) - I see. Well, you are the first person in three years not able to get me when I speak, so I appreciate you for being all ears and putting an effort, in order to understand. All good, I don't take it personally. On my side, I will do my best to speak more slowly and clearly, for you.
He (Looking at me, again puzzled and yet somehow amused) - Okay, we have a deal then.
At the end of the conversation, I felt satisfied with how I dealt with the situation, and also relieved that I didn't feel bad about my language skills, a feeling that by now is just a pale memory from a remote past.
It occurred to me only a couple of hours later that...
He was actually paying me a nice compliment, no strings attached.
And while acknowledging his gesture during the next break, we had a chance to laugh together at my clueless reaction.
How often do we miss a point, overlook a thoughtful word or lose sight of what John Gottman calls an emotional bid (signs of appreciation, connection, complicity, attention, affection, enjoyment, and so on) from someone, because we are busy, or distracted, or "trapped" in a certain communication frame and therefore unable to "see" what is in front of our eyes?
[Paying compliments while meaning it, no strings attached?
It feels great. Do more of that.
Thanks to Sonja for the pic!]
Paying someone a compliment doesn't mean per se flirting, or trying to make the hard sell, or aiming to manipulate people.
It is, in most cases, a beautiful present - mainly a way to show appreciation and connection and to do something nice, for another but also for oneself, because...
Paying compliments to someone else feels nice. Even more, though, if the other person gets it within the first ten minutes...
This one is for Fabian B., because they say "Better now than never".
Tags: Flirting, Singleness, Relationships, Dating, Intercultural communication, Compliments, Language skills, Emotional bids, Paying compliments
What to read next:
"When was the last time you wore a very tight short pin-up dress?", or the one about coaching diversity à la "Basic Instinct"
You could also like:
You could also like:
Singleness made in Berlin - #2. Or how to recognize if you spent too many years flirting in German
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Visiting the blog for the first time? Aloha!
