Singleness made in Berlin - #14. The nice and yet poisonous gesture that you should avoid, and what to do instead

How often do we think that we know what other people need and want, just because we assume that they need and want what is a good fit for us?

More often than not, to be honest.
More often than it would be of advantage for our relationships, I may add. 

Unsurprisingly enough, in most cases, it is not a good thing. Even if our intentions are good.

In order to explain this during a coaching session, I usually suggest that baking a cake for me, just because baking a cake is usually a nice thing to do, would not be that nice, after all, until we would be talking about a vegan, gluten-free and low-carb one. 

[Baking a cake for me is usually not a good idea,

if you are not opting for something gluten-free...

Image credit: PureWow]

You see? I have specific needs. I have clear standards. I have some wishes. Just like everybody else.

Singleness made in Berlin - #13. What do you need to live long and prosper, no matter what?

Once more, love is the answer. 

Like, love is the answer to all questions, apparently.

A couple of weeks ago, the results of all the tracking about physical and emotional well-being performed for over 75 years thanks to Harvard’s Grant and Glueck long-time study have been sum-up and the way Melanie Curtin explains it for Inc. and Fast Company struck a chord with me.

And it could probably be meaningful to you as well:

It doesn’t matter whether you have a huge group of friends and go out every weekend or if you’re in a “perfect” romantic relationship (as if those exist). It’s the quality of the relationships–how much vulnerability and depth exists within them; how safe you feel sharing with one another; the extent to which you can relax and be seen for who you truly are, and truly see another.

[Life extension? Transhumanism? Blue zones?

Supplements? Adaptogenic substances? Biohacking?

All we need is love, says the Harvard study.

Pic: Me, December 2018 © Radoslaw Kosiada]

How would you describe loving someone, and being loved?

Singleness made in Berlin - #12. How would you deal with a nearly impossible love story?

Amor vincit omnia, they have been saying for some time now. 

Like, for the last 2,000 years, as Latin poet Virgil once wrote something similar between roughly 44 and 38 BC and the expression apparently struck a chord with many people for the centuries to come:

Omnia vincit amor et nos cedamus amori 

("Love conquers all; let us all yield to love!")

Virgil [Publius Vergilius Maro, 70 BC-19 BC]

Over the centuries, everything has changed so many times, from how most kingdoms and countries looked and look like to religions, from social constructions and political environments to the life expectancy for most people and not only for the super wealthy ones, from the ways of living to the belief systems and the figures of speech that shape our mind and keep creating the world we live in. 

[Love against all odds: Zero and Agatha in

Wes Anderson's The Grand Budapest Hotel (2014)]

And yet we still like to believe that love can conquer all and that two individuals, if they really mean it, can beat all odds and overcome every obstacle and stay together, despite no matter which kind of social, economic and cultural gaps. 

Movies, love songs, theater plays, all sort of meme are there to make us believe that yes, it doesn't matter how crazy a love story can sound, it could work out eventually.

However...

Singleness made in Berlin - #11. Is the Edison approach a great cure for your online dating horror stories? 10 quotes about a powerful mindset

What's your worst online dating horror story ever?

If during the last ten years you have been single at some point, you probably have one. Just like everybody else. Just like me.

It may also be that you have plenty. (Yep, that's me again)

It may even be that almost all your online dating stories are horror stories. While looking at what one can read online, apparently you are not alone.

[Online dating horror stories?

Hell yes, I've got stories to tell. And you too, for sure.

Still, embracing change and keeping going is the way to go.

Pic: Me, December 2018 © Radoslaw Kosiada]

Once upon a time, there was the guy that talked about literature and global warming and respect, before showing his true colors and going missing in action with no explanation.

And there was the one that told me how crazy about me he was and how much he was looking forward to seeing me again... just before canceling our next date at the very last moment. Twice.

And there was the one that never managed to meet me in person in the first place and yet contacted me at least five times in the middle of the night, while being drunk and horny.

And there was the one that...

You've got my point, for sure. And I agree that this could scare someone off, make them skeptical, bring them to give up and to tell themselves, it doesn't matter how convincing, that they don't need a partner and they can be perfectly happy all alone. Like, for the next fifty years or so.

Singleness made in Berlin - #10. How to realize that ghosting is (almost) never about you

"What do you think about ghosting?" he asks, while eating quietly his summer rolls, and yet looking at me very attentively.

I look back at him and I smile. And then I tell him that it's pretty interesting that he's asking this question right now, since I published something related to the topic on the blog a couple of days earlier.

"Why do you want to know my take on ghosting?" I then follow up.

"Because it is a very hot topic at the moment and everyone is talking about it".

[The only kind of ghosts you should care about?

Casper & Co. They are pretty cute]

Fair enough, I think.

Still, there is not so much to say about ghosting, in my humble opinion. The topic is just boring. And, before you wonder...

Have I been ghosted before, haven't I? Hell, yes. More than once. And both by guys I was just getting to know and by guys I liked a lot and could imagine getting serious with.
Did I take it personally? Hell, no.

Why?

Singleness made in Berlin - #9. Why being a gentleman should be cherished, or the Ninotchka effect

He looks at me, smiles and holds the door of the café for me, like it would be the most natural thing in the world and, from the way he does it, I can tell that for him it just is. 

And this makes me melt. 

If you ask me, there is nothing sexier about a man than his good manners and his timeless gentleman attitude about being of service to others and showing respect for those who can be of no possible service to him. 

Both precious assets that are, sadly enough, very rare and just as misunderstood these days, at least among men younger than 50+.

Gone are the days when a gentleman lightly took your hand in his and brushed his lips across it, or tipped his hat to acknowledge you as he chivalrously stepped aside to let you pass. 

Joan Collins 

[Leon: Your finger, please.

Ninotchka: Why do you need my finger?

Leon: It's bad manners to point with your own.]

Without having to mourn the loss of hats and handkerchiefs, it's possible to acknowledge that over the last decades, too many people started to believe that being a gentleman is something old-fashioned, passé or even worse a sign of misogyny.

Short and sweet motivational questions for your self-care #11. The noun that is actually a verb

When you think about love, what do you think about, and how would you describe it?

Is it something you feel or something you do?

Something you get or something you give?

Something that's there, per se, or something you work for and you work on?

Love is in the air, like in so many well-known pop songs.
And most people would describe it as a noun. A feeling, an emotion, something to experience and that's there, or not. That can surprise you, drive you crazy, or be over.

[You can be open for buying, for suggestions, for business,

for new opportunities, for a challenge...

Are you open to love as well?]

What does change for you, if you see love as a verb?

Singleness made in Berlin - #8. You spent too many years flirting in German, when... - Reprise, Feat. the auto-pilot mode about tattoo questions

"Is the purple tattoo on your left arm a new one?" he asks, while I am not looking at him, absolutely absorbed in reading the menu and looking for something to eat that could be keto-friendly.

I look up, a little bit puzzled. Our eyes meet.

I have been knowing him for over two years, now. It's quite strange that he never noticed that one.

Still, since I am absolutely used to any kind of questions about my tattoos, I roll up the sleeve of my black blouse a little bit more, I show him the full purple tattoo he is referring to.

[So many tattoos ago, so many haircuts ago...

That's me, ladies & gents, in 2016.

Can you spot the big purple tattoo on my left arm?]

And here we are: I explain that nope, it is a very old one, only purple ink and no black lines, I've got it myself when I completed my magister degree in cinema history and yada yada yada.

Auto-pilot mode about tattoo questions, welcome at the dinner table, just take a seat and enjoy the evening with us, wouldn't you? What can I order you? Some bananas, maybe?

The question you should ask yourself before letting go for good someone you really like

Not (too) long ago, and definitely after experiencing many years of having good and not so good friends and charming and not so charming acquaintances, and of dating and being in some kind of relationship with someone, I stumbled upon a concept that changed everything for me:

Don't give part-time people in your life a full-time position in your heart.

If I should re-write this concept while using my own words, I would put is as: "Don't pay that much attention to how much you like someone, pay way more attention to how you like the way they treat you and how they make you feel, instead". Amen.

["Don't give part-time people a full-time position in your life",

or "Don't give part-time people full-time positions in your heart"...

Different words, the same powerful mantra to live by]

I hear you already, telling me things like:

25 acronyms to use while chatting, texting and messaging in your personal and professional life

Chatting, texting and messaging should be like fun, right?

And... it is not rocket science, even if the devices we use for that keep getting upgraded and improved and are now as complex as a small space shuttle could be.

Are you a fan of the good ol' emoticons or do you prefer emojis?

Telegram stickers or any type of GIFs?

Do you read all your messages immediately or do you check the phone twice a day and that's it?

How often do you reply? Or are you the one starting a new thread after the other? Group chat, anyone?

In the end, of course, having fun with texting is all about sharing the same expectations, communication style, and language.

And the same acronyms! Below you can find 25 of the most used ones. Enjoy!

[Repeat after me: your keyboard is your friend.

Even more, if you start writing "AFK" when necessary.

Image credit: ISO Republic]

AFK - Away From Keyboard

BFF - Best Female Friend

BRB - Be Right Back

Singleness made in Berlin - #6. The ultimate shit test while choosing a mate is...

"You sound like one of those dance teachers in one of those cheesy movies from the Eighties, giving your peep talk in front of lazy and unmotivated students", he says.

And, well... probably he is right.

While talking about dancing, I could go on and on for hours.

Even more, if the topic is dancing & flirting.

[Cheesy dance movies from the Eighties?

Let's go for Flashdance (USA 1983), please!]

Flirting can be fun, and yet so tricky, defined by ambivalence, doubt, possibilities, interpretations, allusions, double meanings, weird clues, hidden innuendo, and ambiguity.

Even if a great connection feels like magic on the spot, don't forget to bring the plant food to the table

"I just thought that we had a connection", he says.

"Yes, you are right. We had it", I reply. And I stress out the simple past tense a little bit more, thanks to the intonation of my voice.

Having a connection with someone is like magic, sure thing.

Even more, if the two of you just"click" on the spot, with no apparent effort.

A great connection makes you feel at ease with people, creates attraction, is essential for building up trust, is needed to strengthen old and new friendships, facilitates working as a team, keeps romantic love strong and long-lasting, and so on.

[Sure enough, not all plants need as much water 

as this beautiful purple lotus lily flower,

and yet all living creatures need some kind of nourishment,

in order to survive and thrive

Image credit: ISO Republic]

Having a connection feels like magic, and yet it is not pixie dust or some magical spell that you can use once, with no effort at all, et voilà!, something has changed for good and you don't need to worry ever again about the matter.

Hips don't lie, beards do. And people do it as well, sometimes - Part II

The young, blond man is sitting near me in the subway, at the end of a chilled & sunny summer day.

He's tall and he is hot and he's wearing glasses and... I surprise myself at doing it again.

While sitting absolutely motionless and apparently distracted near him and looking somewhere else in front of me, I am actually undressing him on my mind. 

Yes, exactly. I am imagining him without his huge hipster beard and, virtually, undressing his beautiful face and asking myself if he would be even more handsome without a beard.

["Rire dans sa barbe", a popular French idiomatic expression

not directly translatable into English,

as depicted by Auckland-based designer Anjana Iyer...

with a huge hipster beard, of course]

Gut feeling about that? Hell, yes.

Sorry for not being sorry about that.

As we said in the first part of this post, beards are not really my thing.

Singleness made in Berlin - #5. Or why it is important to pay attention to your own very personal red flags, even when you don't feel like doing it

Love is a game, they say. Love is a game and one should only know the rules well enough to play a good hand and win the jackpot. Easy-peasy, right?

Sometimes. For some people. Under some circumstances. In some cases.

Otherwise... not really. And yet, it gets easier over time, because you know who you are, what you want, what you are looking for, what makes you happy, what you are willing to accept, what are your personal no-nos and big huge red flags.

Of all our games, love's play is the only one which threatens to unsettle the soul... 

Marguerite Yourcenar [1903-1987]

Until... you don't. Or you suddenly decide that your no-nos and big huge red flags can become a bunch of maybes or are not so huge and not so red, after all. For now.
But just for now because, well, six months in the relationships, they would probably turn into that thing that drives you crazy, and not in a good way, or that makes you cringe without exception.

[A friend of mine asked me lately what are 

the most important assets in a man, in my humble opinion:

good manners, open communication, dancing skills,

a sense of humor, a very manly and pleasant smell...

Now Lunya’s +One scented candle that supposedly smells

like a sexy man is entering the market, for the last one]

According to Naomi Dunford, dating is not rocket science, even when you are looking for your significant other:

Singleness made in Berlin - #4. Cute bunny ears, or just another example of when you spent too many years flirting in German

Are you always able to spot a compliment or a nice gesture towards you?

If you too, like me, spent too many years flirting in German, chances are... that you are not.

Believe me, I feel you.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to. 

W.C. Fields [1880-1946]

About a week ago, during a workshop that I was attending to as an assistant to the trainer, someone I got to know that day didn't get immediately what I was saying, in German. So I said it again. And, since the person was still looking at me quite puzzled, I said it once more.

Luckily enough, I am now aware of the very high level of my German skills, and so I didn't take the thing personally like I would have probably done during the first years abroad, and it was all good to me.

[Purple bunnies plugs as a cameo,

with cute bunny ears, anyone?

Are they going to be all ears as well?]

During a break, while interacting with the same person, I had to explain something and we had the following interaction:

If you should make a choice between these two options, what would you go for?

Do you like to be liked?

I hear you saying already "Well, who does not like to be liked!?".

And you are definitely right.

Still, I have another question for you. 

Do you like to be loved?

If you should choose between both options, what would you go for? 

Being liked? Being loved? 

[To be liked, or to be loved, that is the question.

Pic: Me, August 2016

© Radoslaw Kosiada]

They are not the same.

And they mean very different things to different people.

How do you reply when someone asks you about yourself? Do you do something or are you something? Feat. my own "I'm really good at" blogging game

During a first date, at a party, during a job interview, while giving your elevator pitch or being busy working a room during yet another networking event, how do you reply when someone wants to get to know you a little bit better and ask you the notorious question "Tell me about yourself" or something similar?

Do you reply while telling them about what you do or about who you are?

It’s addictive to do one more thing before you relax, enjoy, or connect with people in your life. This isn’t helpful and reinforces that you are a ‘human doing’, not a human being.

Nate Regier

One of the most important a-ha moments that someone practicing intercultural communication can experience is being exposed - maybe for the first time, at least in a conscious way - to the concept of the difference between growing up and/on living in a culture / social setting founded on doing versus growing up and/or living in a culture / social setting founded on being and what this acculturation can do to us and how much it can shape us in the long run.

[Can you make your own magic or are you like magic?

Above all, can you see the difference?

Bridget Fonda as Myra Shumway 

in Rough Magic (1995) by Clare Peploe]

How do you define yourself? What's your identity all about?
How do you define and perceive others?

How do you get social approval from your peers? While doing something or being something?

Hips don't lie, beards do. And people do it as well, sometimes - Part I

The first bearded man in my life was Mr. Cookies. 

He was neither the least famous bearded cousin of Ronald McDonald and the Hamburglar nor the older brother of the Gingerbread man.

[Gingy, the cute and valiant Gingerbread man of the Shrek series

No close relation with Mr. Cookies.

Well, at least not as far as I know. One never knows]

He was the bearded neighbor living on the first floor of my apartment building when I was a child. A quiet and peaceful man a little bit overweight, probably in his forties, married with a blond enchanting nice woman, he was always kind, smiling and fun to talk to.

Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life’s about creating yourself.

George Bernard Shaw [1856-1950]

I have never been religious, not even as a child, but Mr. Cookies - this was his real last name, only translated into Italian, of course - was to me the closest thing to Santa Claus, that I had ever seen in real life so far. And probably also afterward.

So a bearded man was for me so far someone somehow friendly and helpful and such, but for sure not attractive or sexy. And not only because as a child I had not yet very clear in my mind what sex appeal or sexiness should be.

Then it was the turn of Candy Candy, of course.

Singleness made in Berlin - #3. Or four questions one should better think about, while flirting in another language

Online and offline, but above all online, one can read almost everywhere that content is king. Sean D'Souza gets usually a little bit further and says that the content is king, but the packaging is Emperor. In my humble opinion, he is right.

Something is even more important than content and packaging, though, and it's... feedback.

[Packaging is... emperor and it can be very classy too:

luxury Purple packaging design from Betc Design

for My Cointreaupolitan Box by Dita von Teese]

Seth Godin is sure that "Criticism is easy to do, but rarely worth listening to, mostly because it's so easy to do". This is sadly true, and yet constructive criticism and honest feedback are absolutely worth listening since they are useful not only for the person receiving it but also for the one providing it.

Singleness made in Berlin - #2. Or how to recognize if you spent too many years flirting in German

Taking big decisions, changing life, switching from a situation to a new one, starting a new business or trying out a different hobby or activity can be challenging and scary, but also very rewarding, in the long run, if one is ready to accept the pain, the discomfort and the uncertainty in the first place, as Mark Twain beautifully said:

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do, so throw off the bowlines, sail away from safe harbor, catch the trade winds in your sails.

Explore, Dream, Discover.

Mark Twain [pen name of Samuel Langhorne Clemens, 1835-1910]

Something like this can be mind-blowing, but it is for sure not everybody's cup of tea.

[One popular motivational Internet meme:

The magic happens outside the comfort zone]

Same same but different, they say. 

We are all human beings, we have the same needs, we know the same feelings and we experience the same emotions, even if we learn to show and express them in different ways, depending on variables like culture, country, familiar situation, education, gender, age, etc.

And yet we all are going to die at some point and so we should take the most out of our days.