Singleness made in Berlin - #14. The nice and yet poisonous gesture that you should avoid, and what to do instead

How often do we think that we know what other people need and want, just because we assume that they need and want what is a good fit for us?

More often than not, to be honest.
More often than it would be of advantage for our relationships, I may add. 

Unsurprisingly enough, in most cases, it is not a good thing. Even if our intentions are good.

In order to explain this during a coaching session, I usually suggest that baking a cake for me, just because baking a cake is usually a nice thing to do, would not be that nice, after all, until we would be talking about a vegan, gluten-free and low-carb one. 

[Baking a cake for me is usually not a good idea,

if you are not opting for something gluten-free...

Image credit: PureWow]

You see? I have specific needs. I have clear standards. I have some wishes. Just like everybody else.

Singleness made in Berlin - #13. What do you need to live long and prosper, no matter what?

Once more, love is the answer. 

Like, love is the answer to all questions, apparently.

A couple of weeks ago, the results of all the tracking about physical and emotional well-being performed for over 75 years thanks to Harvard’s Grant and Glueck long-time study have been sum-up and the way Melanie Curtin explains it for Inc. and Fast Company struck a chord with me.

And it could probably be meaningful to you as well:

It doesn’t matter whether you have a huge group of friends and go out every weekend or if you’re in a “perfect” romantic relationship (as if those exist). It’s the quality of the relationships–how much vulnerability and depth exists within them; how safe you feel sharing with one another; the extent to which you can relax and be seen for who you truly are, and truly see another.

[Life extension? Transhumanism? Blue zones?

Supplements? Adaptogenic substances? Biohacking?

All we need is love, says the Harvard study.

Pic: Me, December 2018 © Radoslaw Kosiada]

How would you describe loving someone, and being loved?

Singleness made in Berlin - #12. How would you deal with a nearly impossible love story?

Amor vincit omnia, they have been saying for some time now. 

Like, for the last 2,000 years, as Latin poet Virgil once wrote something similar between roughly 44 and 38 BC and the expression apparently struck a chord with many people for the centuries to come:

Omnia vincit amor et nos cedamus amori 

("Love conquers all; let us all yield to love!")

Virgil [Publius Vergilius Maro, 70 BC-19 BC]

Over the centuries, everything has changed so many times, from how most kingdoms and countries looked and look like to religions, from social constructions and political environments to the life expectancy for most people and not only for the super wealthy ones, from the ways of living to the belief systems and the figures of speech that shape our mind and keep creating the world we live in. 

[Love against all odds: Zero and Agatha in

Wes Anderson's The Grand Budapest Hotel (2014)]

And yet we still like to believe that love can conquer all and that two individuals, if they really mean it, can beat all odds and overcome every obstacle and stay together, despite no matter which kind of social, economic and cultural gaps. 

Movies, love songs, theater plays, all sort of meme are there to make us believe that yes, it doesn't matter how crazy a love story can sound, it could work out eventually.

However...

Singleness made in Berlin - #9. Why being a gentleman should be cherished, or the Ninotchka effect

He looks at me, smiles and holds the door of the café for me, like it would be the most natural thing in the world and, from the way he does it, I can tell that for him it just is. 

And this makes me melt. 

If you ask me, there is nothing sexier about a man than his good manners and his timeless gentleman attitude about being of service to others and showing respect for those who can be of no possible service to him. 

Both precious assets that are, sadly enough, very rare and just as misunderstood these days, at least among men younger than 50+.

Gone are the days when a gentleman lightly took your hand in his and brushed his lips across it, or tipped his hat to acknowledge you as he chivalrously stepped aside to let you pass. 

Joan Collins 

[Leon: Your finger, please.

Ninotchka: Why do you need my finger?

Leon: It's bad manners to point with your own.]

Without having to mourn the loss of hats and handkerchiefs, it's possible to acknowledge that over the last decades, too many people started to believe that being a gentleman is something old-fashioned, passé or even worse a sign of misogyny.

Singleness made in Berlin - #8. You spent too many years flirting in German, when... - Reprise, Feat. the auto-pilot mode about tattoo questions

"Is the purple tattoo on your left arm a new one?" he asks, while I am not looking at him, absolutely absorbed in reading the menu and looking for something to eat that could be keto-friendly.

I look up, a little bit puzzled. Our eyes meet.

I have been knowing him for over two years, now. It's quite strange that he never noticed that one.

Still, since I am absolutely used to any kind of questions about my tattoos, I roll up the sleeve of my black blouse a little bit more, I show him the full purple tattoo he is referring to.

[So many tattoos ago, so many haircuts ago...

That's me, ladies & gents, in 2016.

Can you spot the big purple tattoo on my left arm?]

And here we are: I explain that nope, it is a very old one, only purple ink and no black lines, I've got it myself when I completed my magister degree in cinema history and yada yada yada.

Auto-pilot mode about tattoo questions, welcome at the dinner table, just take a seat and enjoy the evening with us, wouldn't you? What can I order you? Some bananas, maybe?

Singleness made in Berlin - #7. One single smile, no strings attached, is enough to...

The blond, tall, handsome guy that is about to cross my path on the street while I am going to work is looking at me.

I'm wearing black shorts, black ankle boots, and a purple tank top. I have my pin-up sunglasses on and my indigo blue hair is incredibly curly today.

And now, ladies & gents, he is going for sure to react to me like most people do and like at least fifty people already did today, right?

We all know that this is what is going to happen, right?

[Are you able to smile at strangers,

to make the first move, to go all in,

no strings attached?]

Wrong.

Singleness made in Berlin - #6. The ultimate shit test while choosing a mate is...

"You sound like one of those dance teachers in one of those cheesy movies from the Eighties, giving your peep talk in front of lazy and unmotivated students", he says.

And, well... probably he is right.

While talking about dancing, I could go on and on for hours.

Even more, if the topic is dancing & flirting.

[Cheesy dance movies from the Eighties?

Let's go for Flashdance (USA 1983), please!]

Flirting can be fun, and yet so tricky, defined by ambivalence, doubt, possibilities, interpretations, allusions, double meanings, weird clues, hidden innuendo, and ambiguity.

Hips don't lie, beards do. And people do it as well, sometimes - Part II

The young, blond man is sitting near me in the subway, at the end of a chilled & sunny summer day.

He's tall and he is hot and he's wearing glasses and... I surprise myself at doing it again.

While sitting absolutely motionless and apparently distracted near him and looking somewhere else in front of me, I am actually undressing him on my mind. 

Yes, exactly. I am imagining him without his huge hipster beard and, virtually, undressing his beautiful face and asking myself if he would be even more handsome without a beard.

["Rire dans sa barbe", a popular French idiomatic expression

not directly translatable into English,

as depicted by Auckland-based designer Anjana Iyer...

with a huge hipster beard, of course]

Gut feeling about that? Hell, yes.

Sorry for not being sorry about that.

As we said in the first part of this post, beards are not really my thing.

Singleness made in Berlin - #5. Or why it is important to pay attention to your own very personal red flags, even when you don't feel like doing it

Love is a game, they say. Love is a game and one should only know the rules well enough to play a good hand and win the jackpot. Easy-peasy, right?

Sometimes. For some people. Under some circumstances. In some cases.

Otherwise... not really. And yet, it gets easier over time, because you know who you are, what you want, what you are looking for, what makes you happy, what you are willing to accept, what are your personal no-nos and big huge red flags.

Of all our games, love's play is the only one which threatens to unsettle the soul... 

Marguerite Yourcenar [1903-1987]

Until... you don't. Or you suddenly decide that your no-nos and big huge red flags can become a bunch of maybes or are not so huge and not so red, after all. For now.
But just for now because, well, six months in the relationships, they would probably turn into that thing that drives you crazy, and not in a good way, or that makes you cringe without exception.

[A friend of mine asked me lately what are 

the most important assets in a man, in my humble opinion:

good manners, open communication, dancing skills,

a sense of humor, a very manly and pleasant smell...

Now Lunya’s +One scented candle that supposedly smells

like a sexy man is entering the market, for the last one]

According to Naomi Dunford, dating is not rocket science, even when you are looking for your significant other:

Singleness made in Berlin - #4. Cute bunny ears, or just another example of when you spent too many years flirting in German

Are you always able to spot a compliment or a nice gesture towards you?

If you too, like me, spent too many years flirting in German, chances are... that you are not.

Believe me, I feel you.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to. 

W.C. Fields [1880-1946]

About a week ago, during a workshop that I was attending to as an assistant to the trainer, someone I got to know that day didn't get immediately what I was saying, in German. So I said it again. And, since the person was still looking at me quite puzzled, I said it once more.

Luckily enough, I am now aware of the very high level of my German skills, and so I didn't take the thing personally like I would have probably done during the first years abroad, and it was all good to me.

[Purple bunnies plugs as a cameo,

with cute bunny ears, anyone?

Are they going to be all ears as well?]

During a break, while interacting with the same person, I had to explain something and we had the following interaction:

Singleness made in Berlin - #1. Or the weirdest question I got asked so far

Being a single woman in Berlin can be fun, weird, scary, interesting, adventurous, weird, challenging, surprising, peculiar, weird, sexy, pleasant, different.

Did I already say that singleness in Berlin can be weird!?

You must be willing to love so much to get your heart broken, be the underdog in a fight to get a fat lip, and in life, willing to go over the edge. The ones that play it safe, in life or in business, will rarely see the other side. What truly horrible lives they must lead.

Charles Smith

[The best t-shirt about singleness

Please drop me a line if you find it in Purple!]

And it can be overwhelming too, both in good and bad ways.