Introducing the magic word for tricky situations: "Nice"

"How do I look with my new haircut/dress?"

"How did you find that friend of mine/my new boyfriend/my new girlfriend?"

"How it was the evening with XZ/at my place?"

We get asked questions like these from people we like / know good / know a little / care about / spend time together every day.

They look like very simple harmless questions, but most of the times they are not.

They imply that we have to take a stand about something, and sometimes we have to declare if we are for or against something or someone. Our answer matters. Our answer can even condition and damage our relationship with the person who is asking the question.

And here we are, dealing again with direct and indirect communication. Because it is not just a matter of intercultural communication, if you know what I mean.

Sugar lips, the perfect silence and why a smile is not just a smile, while practicing intercultural communication

In some cultures (let's call these cultures A-type) it is considered very impolite to say no to something or someone. Because of it, most expressions of rejection and refusal, like criticism, negative feedback, saying no, pointing problems or malfunctioning out in a direct way are no-no and they would be considered a personal attack against someone and not a mere desire of giving feedback or discussing a specific issue or situation.

These kinds of behavior have no place in such cultures - cultures based on harmony, strong group identity, sense of belonging - and rejection is expressed in an indirect way, that sometimes can be very difficult to be perceived as a strong "no" from someone belonging to another culture, where criticism is socially accepted and even encouraged (let's call this other culture B-type).

[The famous criticism sandwich...

are you hungry?]

Communication without communicating or the art of being James Bond / Emma Peel in everyday life

Sometimes we all are a little bit like James Bond. 

Or Remington Steele. Or Simon Templar. Or your favourite private eye.

(I would love to say that we all are a little bit like MacGyver or Magnum, P.I., but I don't consider the theory very plausible...)

[Casino Royale by Ian Fleming,

edition with a psychedelic Purple cover in Austin Powers' style]

For sure you know the following situation: you are somewhere, suddenly you notice someone that you know or you were used to know to a certain extent (a present or past colleague, a neighbour, an acquaintance, a close friend, a former lover, someone you met only once, whatever) while the person is not looking at you and hasn't seen you so far, so the person isn't aware that you have seen him/her. 

Then you look somewhere else, maybe just for a couple of seconds or for finishing something you are busy with before talking to the person, but you can still catch a glimpse of the person and notice that he or she is suddenly looking at you and recognizing you, while believing that you are not aware of his/her presence yet.

What can happen next? 

The person can come to you and say hello, of course. Or you can go to the person and say hello as well, as soon as you have a chance to. Or... you can pretend that you haven't seen the person and just keep doing what you are doing, for some reason. 

Or... for some reason the other person can go somewhere else, by changing place and still thinking that you don't know that the person was there and that he/she saw you in the first place.

What if the latter version is what actually happens? What if you know that someone saw you and, while thinking to be unnoticed, just went away without saying hello?

What would you think?

[Modesty Blaise - Top Traitor by Peter O'Donnell and Jim Holdaway

Collection of strips from London's Evening Standard

with a Purple cover]

I never get something like that personally, or at least not in a bad way. Actually, most of the time I consider the situation funny and even interesting. Why?

Well, because it gives me the chance to be a little bit like James Bond. Or like Emma Peel. Or like Modesty Blaise. Or like Veronica Mars. Or like... You got the point, I guess. 

While knowing that someone went away without saying hello, I have a powerful piece of information about the person and about my relationship to him/her. 

Since it is not possible not to communicate with someone, while going away without communicating with me, the person is actually already communicating with me, without even knowing it.

[Information is everything

Just ask Batgirl...]

According to a German figure of speech, people always meet twice in life. So I do am probably going to meet the "shy" person once again. And it can even happen that the person is going to need me, to ask me a favour, to have to do with me no matter what.

And then, I will know something about him/her that he/she doesn't know that I know. I will have a little secret...

I am going to be a little bit like James Bond or Emma Peel, after all.

Funny, don't you think?

Tags: Communication, Relationships, Running into someone, Secrets, James Bond, Modesty Blaise, Emma Peel

False friends can be very tricky while trying to be classy, or the secret and exclusive club of colorful people

Ah, dezent! 

I got this one. No wait, maybe I didn't. 

In fact, dezent is one of those German words that, while speaking Italian as a native speaker, could be easily misunderstood. 

[Red total look: something not so usual in the streets of Berlin...

if it is not Fashion Week]

What does make dezent such a tricky word, you may ask.

Dezent is what in linguistics is called a 'false friend': a word in a foreign language that seems to be very similar to some words in your own language, but that actually has a completely different meaning. 

False friends can be very tricky while learning a new language while living abroad, while working in an international working environment, while translating a text.

What you can eat while going vegan and gluten-free - Chapter One - Chocolate

As you may (or may not) know, I went Vegan five years ago, I have celiac disease and since 2010 I am in an on-off relationship with raw food, while being on a 70-80% raw food diet most of the time these days. 

Because of it, and because of another couple of things, one of the questions people ask me the most - together with "Where are you from?", but this is another story, stay tuned for it - is "What do you eat?".

Since yesterday I told you that I consider a good strategy eating chocolate while feeling down, I decided to write a little about this topic in the next weeks.

Chocolate is a sweet beginning, don't you think?

In the coming posts, I will let you know which options you have regarding chocolate while living vegan and gluten-free, but we can already say that a good percentage of bitter chocolate kinds are vegan and gluten-free anyway, even if not every kind of bitter chocolate is vegan, though.

How to wait for a brand new day, or the art of taking a deep breath, choosing the right chocolate and relax

I don't know about you, but some days I am just tired.

I just feel broken, somehow helpless.

On those days, like today, I have the impression that the day is... naja, not a good one.

On those days, I can't help but be thinking that things, even easy ones, are not that easy after all. That I am slower than usual. And that people, for some unknown reason, are looking at me more often than usual. Like if the usual ratio would not be more than enough.

And yet, like every real Scarlett O'Hara, I know that tomorrow is going to be another day.

[The gorgeous Vivien Leigh as a worried Scarlett...

Tomorrow is going to be another day for her as well, after all]

That tomorrow I am going to be fine. Tomorrow I am going to wake up and to start from scratch, no matter what.

That no matter how disastrous today can be, tomorrow is going to be different. Maybe not enchanting, maybe not spectacular, maybe not even very pleasant, but for sure different.

While facing diversity, are you ready to be an anthropologist on your own Mars?

If you are just like me, you have a giant book wish list: books you would love to get as a present, books you would love to find at a flea market for only a couple of bucks, books you would love to read sooner or later before you die, books you would love to have for your library and so on.

One item of my book wish list is An Anthropologist on Mars (1995) by Oliver Sacks.

I badly want to read the book and I know that I am going to do it, sooner or later, before I die.

[An Anthropologist on Mars by Oliver Sacks,

edition with an interesting Purple cover]

Even if I know that Sacks´ books are about neurological disorders and diseases, I always thought that the title would be perfect for a science fiction novel as well. Or... for an actual anthropological essay about Mars and its inhabitants.

While moving to Berlin and becoming an expat, I thought a lot about the title of the book and about my very own experience as an expat and in the worst days, while experiencing cultural shock and acute pain because of it, I just told myself again and again that I was something like a beginner anthropologist on my own Mars, in charge of studying and observing different ways of life.

I only had to observe, to learn, to stay open, to suspend my judgement. I only had to breath and to survive.

It helped me a lot, at the time.

[If you don't like Oliver Sacks...

think about Devil Girl from Mars (1954) by David MacDonald]

While living in a new country, in a new culture, in a new working environment, be a little like an anthropologist on your own Mars...

Pay attention to what people around you do, how they behave, what they say, what they not say, how they react to other people and to different situations, how they solve their own problems. 

Follow their example whenever you can and whenever it is a good fit for you. If what people do is not a good fit for you, ask yourself why and stick to your "answer", if you feel like it is a good strategy for you.

In that case, you will learn a lot about not only people around you, but also about yourself.

But don't assume that you already have all the answers.

Pretend to be an anthropologist that studies strange circumstances, willing to discover why people do exactly what they do and not something else. 

While doing like this, it is easier not to take everything personally, not to be hurt, not to stay "blocked" in your previous beliefs only because they are yours. 

You will be more open, more free, more prone to question things and ways of thinking. You will be able to learn. To see situations with new eyes. To adapt and change, if necessary. To fight for your ideas, if necessary.

And this is an inestimable attitude, while living abroad and being confronted every day with diversity in each and every form. 

Are you ready to be an anthropologist on your own Mars?

If not, why?

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"What I want to do before I die?" Candy Chang and John Lennon can help you answer that question

Tags: An An Anthropologist on Mars, Facing Diversity, Expat strategies, Cultural shock