Why you should stop thinking that it's okay to culturalize people, once and for all - Part #1.

"Well, since you are from Italy, I thought..."
"She's a Latina. You know what that means..."
"I always love people from England, they are so..."

Every time I hear something like this, I cringe.
Even more, if the person is perceiving the sentence as a positive comment about someone or, even worse, if they think that they are paying ME a compliment.

[My style? It's because of where I am from.

My hair? It's because of where I am from.

My smile? It's because of where I am from. 

Oh wait, let me think... Probably not really.

Pic: Me, December 2018 © Radoslaw Kosiada]

The hard truth is, you don't have to be intentionally racist to do things that have racist effects.

John Oliver

What are they actually doing?

80 unusual and yet fascinating Italian first names for women

What are the "usual suspects" that get chosen over and over again, when we are talking about baby names?
What are the most trendy names of the last ten years for that arena, in your own language, culture, country or niche of reference?

And what about the unusual ones, instead?

About ten years ago I started collecting 'old fashioned' and/or very unusual Italian first names.

While having a very unusual name myself and being sure that living with such a name had a huge impact on my whole life and how my personality got shaped over the years, I have always found it fascinating hearing a wonderful, unusual and very often 'special' name while meeting a new person for the first time.

[Nice, to e-meet you! My name is Azzurra,

which in Italian means "light-blue".

Yep, the color. Yep, you are right.
Pic: Me, December 2018 © Radoslaw Kosiada] 

Every single time, it gives me the impression that I know a little bit about the person already and I can relate to them,

"What are your KPIs for a good bar?", or five questions I get asked a lot on a daily basis and five questions (almost) nobody asks

Do you know a good bar? They ask.

And I go "Well, it depends. What's a good bar, for you?".

And they go "Where we can find good cocktails".

Ah, if just everything in life would be that simple.

A clear question, clear parameters, a clear answer follows, KPIs are fulfilled. Happy ending.

[A good bar? The one with good cocktails, they say.

My favorite one? Café Morgenrot's Heilige Welt:

Alcohol-free and incredibly sweeeeeet

Image credit: Bustle]

Still, I smile going home, while realizing that I get asked this question almost every single day, even if don't drink alcohol at all. And yet, to most people, I probably look like the kind of gal that goes for shots every single night. (Hint, I never did... but may the force of stereotypes be with you, young Skywalker)

So here you have the five questions I get asked the most, day in and day out, in no particular order:

#1. Do you know a good bar? ("Yes, I do") - (Did I get asked yesterday? Check)

#2. Do you have a cigarette? ("Nope, sorry. I don't smoke" - And nobody believes me) (Did I get asked yesterday? Check)

#3. Where can I find some drugs? ("No idea, sorry" - The same as above)

#4. Where are you from? ("What do you need this information for, right now?" - Puzzled looks follow) (Did I get asked yesterday? Check)

#5. Are your tattoos real? ("Yep, they are") (Did I get asked yesterday? Check)

4/5 within 24 hours is a good ratio, if you ask me.
And here you have five question I almost never get asked and I would love to help people with, in no particular order:

Typically "Berlin style" is... #1. - The katana lady

Berlin is a crazy, unique and very interesting city.
Its atmosphere is quirky and relaxed at the same time, its streets are ugly and beautiful at the same time, its inhabitants are a nightmare to date and a dream to stumble upon.

Typically "Berlin style" is for example...

...Taking a walk on the streets of East Berlin on a Tuesday in the early afternoon and seeing a petite quiet woman carrying a gift-wrapped katana with absolutely nonchalant cuteness, as if it would be the most trivial activity in the world.

[Karen Fukuhara as Katana 

in David Ayer's Suicide Squad (USA 2016),

or maybe just the woman I met yesterday in Berlin]

(To be continued)

Tags: Berlin, Berlin's quirky sides

What to read next:
Singleness made in Berlin - #2. Or how to recognize if you spent too many years flirting in German

Visiting the blog for the first time? Aloha!

Where to start, if you are new

The art of not being clueless, or how to train your cultural sensitivity muscles, while starting with your next "funny and innocent" question

How about those stunning people that could be displayed on the cover of a fashion magazine and keep saying that being beautiful doesn't matter, and you ask yourself if they are not able to look in the mirror in the morning?

Or those people that grew up in a rich family and got spoiled, and taken care of for an entire life, and yet keep saying that being financially successful is not important, and you wonder why they don't give all their money to charity, then?

Or the ones that have never spent one single day at the hospital and don't know how does it feel to experience chronic pain for years and keep saying that being healthy could be boring and one should "walk on the wild side" instead... and you know that you are too nice for wishing them to discover how much being ill sucks?

[Alicia Silverstone and Stacey Dash in Clueless (1995)

by Amy Heckerling, a great tribute to Jane Austen's Emma

with rich, beautiful, spoiled, and clueless young adults...

that need an entire movie plot to understand how lucky they are]

If you ask me, they are not bad people.
They are just people without the slightest clue.

Are you guilty of boring small-talk or absolutely biased questions? Try these three questions instead

Are you looking for a way to
- be memorable while doing small-talk?
- be good at practicing intercultural communication?
- be able to really see the person in front of you?
- make the other person feel seen, appreciated and understood?

I know you are.
So feel free to keep reading, and bear with me.

[Can you see me? Like, really see me?

What do you see vs. what do you think that you are seeing?

Pic: Me, March 2017 © Radoslaw Kosiada]

Apparently, a lot of people do not like small-talk.

That dreaded, absolutely useless question that people ask over and over again while thinking that they are doing small-talk - I

The girl with the long, wonderful brown hair - from now on, "she" - sits near me, and smiles.

I'm talking to someone else, and yet I can notice that she is listening to our conversation without actually being part of it - hello, privacy! - and without missing a single word of it. As soon as my interlocutor excuses himself for a minute, she's all in.

She is curious. She wants to be nice. She is hoping to get to know me better or to know me at all since so far she has no idea whatsoever about me, who I am and what I am doing at the venue...

[If I have to choose between bad small-talk and nonsense, 

I will go for nonsense every single time: 

Mad Hatter's tea party by John Tenniel]

And so she strikes up a conversation with a stranger and she does that in a way that, in her mind, should be pleasant and welcoming and safe, but... it is not the case.

She (smiling): Hi!

Me (smiling back): Hi!

S: How are you doing?

M: I'm great, thanks, how about you?

S: I'm ok, thanks. What's your name?

M: Azzurra. Nice to meet you. And yours?

S: My name is XY. Where are you from?

M (smiling, without replying): Why?

"Why Berlin?" or my very personal answer to THE question about the life as an expat in Berlin

I moved to Berlin almost six years ago. It was November 2009. 

Long time ago, somehow, not only because living abroad as an expat can be both very rewarding and interesting and also very hard at the same time, but also because six years in a city that changes as fast as Berlin do really feel like twenty years in another city or even thirty years in a small town.

The grandson - A book?

Grandpa - That's right. When I was your age, television was called books. And this is a special book. It was the book my father used to read to me when I was sick, and I used to read it to your father. And today I'm gonna read it to you.

The grandson - Has it got any sports in it?

Grandpa - Are you kidding? Fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, giants, monsters, chases, escapes, true love, miracles...

The grandson - Doesn't sound too bad. I'll try to stay awake.

Grandpa - Oh, well, thank you very much, very nice of you. Your vote of confidence is overwhelming.

Fred Savage as the grandson

Peter Falk as Grandpa

The Princess Bride by Rob Reiner (USA, 1987)

[Will I ever have a perfect true love 

like Westley and Buttercup in The Princess Bride?

Well, I already have: it's called Berlin]

So I get asked about Berlin and this matter on a regular basis. 

Why Berlin. What do I like that much about the city? 

Why Berlin. Why I decided to move exactly to Berlin. 

Why Berlin. How it is to live in Berlin for almost six years now. 

Why Berlin. When... etc.

Did I already say that people ask why Berlin?

So, why Berlin.

Singleness made in Berlin - #3. Or four questions one should better think about, while flirting in another language

Online and offline, but above all online, one can read almost everywhere that content is king. Sean D'Souza gets usually a little bit further and says that the content is king, but the packaging is Emperor. In my humble opinion, he is right.

Something is even more important than content and packaging, though, and it's... feedback.

[Packaging is... emperor and it can be very classy too:

luxury Purple packaging design from Betc Design

for My Cointreaupolitan Box by Dita von Teese]

Seth Godin is sure that "Criticism is easy to do, but rarely worth listening to, mostly because it's so easy to do". This is sadly true, and yet constructive criticism and honest feedback are absolutely worth listening since they are useful not only for the person receiving it but also for the one providing it.

Singleness made in Berlin - #2. Or how to recognize if you spent too many years flirting in German

Taking big decisions, changing life, switching from a situation to a new one, starting a new business or trying out a different hobby or activity can be challenging and scary, but also very rewarding, in the long run, if one is ready to accept the pain, the discomfort and the uncertainty in the first place, as Mark Twain beautifully said:

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do, so throw off the bowlines, sail away from safe harbor, catch the trade winds in your sails.

Explore, Dream, Discover.

Mark Twain [pen name of Samuel Langhorne Clemens, 1835-1910]

Something like this can be mind-blowing, but it is for sure not everybody's cup of tea.

[One popular motivational Internet meme:

The magic happens outside the comfort zone]

Same same but different, they say. 

We are all human beings, we have the same needs, we know the same feelings and we experience the same emotions, even if we learn to show and express them in different ways, depending on variables like culture, country, familiar situation, education, gender, age, etc.

And yet we all are going to die at some point and so we should take the most out of our days. 

Five things I love about Berlin in the fall

As you already know, if you are a regular reader of this blog, I am deeply in love with Berlin.
And if this should be your first time here, welcome! My name is Azzurra and I am deeply in love with Berlin.

I consider the city amazing in every season, and yet in each season for different reasons. 

[Vegan hot chocolate: 

a  perfect treat prepared with cocoa, sugar, and...

either soy milk, or rice milk or almond milk or... just hot water]

Five things I love about Berlin in the fall:

#1. Vegan hot chocolate available almost everywhere, most of the times with Vegan cream as well;

#2. The colors of the trees and the leaves in parks and gardens;

#3. Walking on the streets and seeing the light reflecting on the buildings and seeing how it changes depending on what time is it;

While facing diversity, are you ready to be an anthropologist on your own Mars?

If you are just like me, you have a giant book wish list: books you would love to get as a present, books you would love to find at a flea market for only a couple of bucks, books you would love to read sooner or later before you die, books you would love to have for your library and so on.

One item of my book wish list is An Anthropologist on Mars (1995) by Oliver Sacks.

I badly want to read the book and I know that I am going to do it, sooner or later, before I die.

[An Anthropologist on Mars by Oliver Sacks,

edition with an interesting Purple cover]

Even if I know that Sacks´ books are about neurological disorders and diseases, I always thought that the title would be perfect for a science fiction novel as well. Or... for an actual anthropological essay about Mars and its inhabitants.

While moving to Berlin and becoming an expat, I thought a lot about the title of the book and about my very own experience as an expat and in the worst days, while experiencing cultural shock and acute pain because of it, I just told myself again and again that I was something like a beginner anthropologist on my own Mars, in charge of studying and observing different ways of life.

I only had to observe, to learn, to stay open, to suspend my judgement. I only had to breath and to survive.

It helped me a lot, at the time.

[If you don't like Oliver Sacks...

think about Devil Girl from Mars (1954) by David MacDonald]

While living in a new country, in a new culture, in a new working environment, be a little like an anthropologist on your own Mars...

Pay attention to what people around you do, how they behave, what they say, what they not say, how they react to other people and to different situations, how they solve their own problems. 

Follow their example whenever you can and whenever it is a good fit for you. If what people do is not a good fit for you, ask yourself why and stick to your "answer", if you feel like it is a good strategy for you.

In that case, you will learn a lot about not only people around you, but also about yourself.

But don't assume that you already have all the answers.

Pretend to be an anthropologist that studies strange circumstances, willing to discover why people do exactly what they do and not something else. 

While doing like this, it is easier not to take everything personally, not to be hurt, not to stay "blocked" in your previous beliefs only because they are yours. 

You will be more open, more free, more prone to question things and ways of thinking. You will be able to learn. To see situations with new eyes. To adapt and change, if necessary. To fight for your ideas, if necessary.

And this is an inestimable attitude, while living abroad and being confronted every day with diversity in each and every form. 

Are you ready to be an anthropologist on your own Mars?

If not, why?

Previous post:

"What I want to do before I die?" Candy Chang and John Lennon can help you answer that question

Tags: An An Anthropologist on Mars, Facing Diversity, Expat strategies, Cultural shock

Slices of farinata, flirting in another language and grammatical uncertainty, or being happy to living as an expat while missing 7 things about Italy

Being an expat is not always easy, but it also not a nightmare.

It all depends on you, on your attitude, on your openness, on your willingness to adapt, to learn, to change your mind if necessary, to discover and try new things, to see the world with other eyes.

Personally, I am very happy, as an expat, and I regret nothing.

Or maybe is my only regret that I didn't leave Italy way earlier than I did.

But this would be another story, so stay tuned for another blog post about that.

People ask me often how I did what I did.

How I learned German that fast.

How I survived abroad alone.

How I kept living in Berlin even if it was very hard and heartbreaking sometimes.

And usually, they are very disappointed by my answer. Even if my answer is always 100% sincere.

But there are no magic potions, no unicorns, no Sugar Plum Fairy in it.

[Ready for my answer? No Sugar Plum Fairy here

Well, apart from Elizabeth Murphy for Pacific Northwest Ballet

Photo by Lindsay Thomas, Courtesy PNB]

The naked truth is...

Can a poetic quote by Maya Angelou be the key that unlocks happiness?

Today, while going to work, I made a quick stop in a supermarket. The young cashier has been rude to me for no particular reason and I suddenly remembered how sad I have been, during my first year in Berlin, each time that someone has been rude or impolite or disrespectful to me because of my broken German.

I was thinking about it and a magnificent quote from Maya Angelou popped up in my mind:

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

Maya Angelou [born Marguerite Ann Johnson, 1928-2014]

[Maya Angelou as a fun, charming and lively witch,

while playing with her youth and her positive energy]

Back in the days, every time that someone treated me poorly I felt... guilty. Maybe it was my fault if they were rude, because my German was not good enough? This is what I thought for a long time, and I was ashamed. Until the day I realized, at last, that this is not a good reason to be rude to someone. That my German was not the problem. That I was not the problem.

How to lose yourself in the mirror maze of a foreign language...

Talking all day in a foreign language can be charming but also "lethal".

Lethal? Yes, lethal for your self-esteem. Lethal for your self-confidence. Lethal for your relationships, no matter if you are dealing with people in your spare time, on a bus or at the office.

Learning a foreign language means making mistakes every day. Making mistakes every day and above all being able to accept it. Being willing to go for it, day after day. Being willing of making mistakes and learning from those mistakes every day.
There is no better way to learn a foreign language - apart from falling in love ... but that's another story.

[Are you ready for a mirror maze?

And for a huge emotional roller-coaster?]

There is no better way but sometimes it hurts a lot. Sometimes you are just too tired to accept in a "zen" way to be frustrated every day. To make mistakes every day. To feel "different" every day. To not be any longer the person you can be and were used to be in your mother tongue.

A-Z-Z-U-R-R-A... with two Z and two R, bitte!

How do you like the color of the sky, the ocean, the sea?
I am glad that you like it, because that's my name.

My first name is Azzurra.

NOT Azzura, Azura, Azurra, Asura, Assura, Asurra, Azara, Atsura or whatever.

Not even Azurre or Azure, even if my name actually means "light-blue", that in French is "azur", in Spanish and Portuguese "azul" and in German either "azurblau" or "himmelblau" or "hellblau", depending on the translation.

[Light-blue, indeed.

If Bond can say "My name is Bond, James Bond",

I can say "My name is Blue, Light-blue"]

My first name is Azzurra.

While living in Berlin, I've discovered something weird and cute at the same time.

Do you want to learn a foreign language? Just make a new mistake every day

Learning a new language and using it every day is an experience that can enrich your days and open your mind. But it also has drawbacks or it can be painful.

One of the worst problems is not understanding. Missing a nuance, a joke, a word. Needing time to get to the point. Feeling left out.
In a word, feeling stupid. Really, painfully, hopelessly stupid. Someone not worth talking to.

[Even when you feel down 
because of misunderstandings and broken communication...
Life can still be beautiful.
Sunrise at Ostkreuz, Berlin]

It is a legitimate feeling, even if totally unjustified, and, after a while, it may become a useful alarm bell which, at best, you learn to live with and to manage. To use it to improve your language skills and to better understand yourself and the people around you. 

Is friendship something natural or cultural?

Is friendship something natural or cultural? 

We tend to answer that friendship is something natural but, while living "immersed" in a different culture, a brand new one to me, I understand more and more that this is more complex than how it looks at a first sight.

The need for love, care, belonging, friendship, and connection are universal and "natural", and yet the ways we use to express, perceive, define and meet these needs are cultural.

What we consider natural or logical or something to be taken for granted is actually something absolutely and exclusively cultural, due to customs, traditions and established ways of thinking.

[Daria and Jane from MTV's Daria]

Just sing it! Sing what? But 'Azzurra', of course!

In Italian, my mother tongue, Azzurra is a very particular and unusual name.

It's absolutely not a biblical or otherwise religious one, it's definitely not a traditional one, it's not even featured in the calendar with all Catholic saints and literally means 'azure' or 'light-blue'. Or, to put it better, 'something female which color is light-blue'.
Yes, you got it right: my name is actually not even a proper name. It is an adjective instead, because Italian adjectives change on the basis of gender and number, like in many other Neo-Latin languages.

[Not only Paolo Conte and Adriano Celentano sing Azzurro...

there is also a peculiar cover 
by the famous German punk band Die toten Hosen]

All my life, I've been asked a lot of stupid questions about it and in particular, if my name does come from Adriano Celentano's song 'Azzurro' (written by Paolo Conte) or from Lucio Battisti's song 'Acqua azzurra, acqua chiara', both very popular in Italy and, I've lately discovered, in Germany too.

Cyber-message in a cyber-bottle, Feat. Robin Wright Penn

[Robin Wright Penn in Message in a Bottle (1999)]

To all people who usually don't think about it:

Being an expat is hard.
Speaking the whole time a foreign language is hard.
Living in a different culture is hard.

Be kind.
Because people from another countries are just like you.
They are better than how would you like to make them feel.

--

A tutte le persone che di solito non ci pensano:

Essere un expat è difficile.
Parlare tutto il tempo una lingua straniera è difficile.
Vivere in un'altra cultura è difficile.

Siate gentili.
Perché le persone che vengono da altri Paesi sono proprio come voi.
Sono persone migliori di come vorreste farle sentire.

Tags: Being an expat, Foreign language, Cultural differences, Vita da expat, Lingua straniera, Differenze culturali