Coaching Monday: What gift-receiving says about you

How we deal with gift-giving says a lot about us, our worldview, our generosity, our idea of reciprocity. 

It's not a mere coincidence, then, that gift-giving is one of the five love languages theorized by Gary Chapman in the book 'The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate' (1992), together with words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time, and physical touch.

[What goes through your mind 
while receiving a present?
Are you happy? Thankful? Annoyed? Embarrassed?]

Still, I genuinely believe that how we deal with gift-receiving is just as important and revealing. How we react, what we think and do, and how we thank the person giving us a gift (if at all, and while truly meaning it) says a lot about us, our self-worth, our way of building and nurturing relationships, our ability (or incapacity) to feel gratitude, and sometimes also about our sense of entitlement.

"What's your typical reaction when receiving a present?"

                                                    

Tags: Coaching question, Self-coaching, Self-awareness, Self-reflection, Five love languages, Gift-receiving, Gratitude

What to read next:

Coaching, reloaded - Coaching question of the day #414. - And invisible, and yet priceless gift

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How many hugs do you need in a day? According to Virginia Satir, the "mother of family therapy", the answer is...

A hug is just a hug, right?

Think again.

What if a hug could make a real difference in your life, both short-term and long-term?

If you are used to giving and receiving hugs and you have never experienced how the lack of hugs feels like, you are in luck. And you are probably underestimating how pivotal hugs can be.
For the rest of us, at the latest, the lockdown due to the coronavirus showed in a very direct and distressing way how life without hugs can look like. And for most people, it has been (or it still is) a kind of life that feels unbearable even for just a couple of weeks.

We have so many words for states of the mind, and so few for states of the body.

Jeanne Moreau [1928-2017]

during an interview in 1976

[A beautiful and very stylish hug

between two different generations of French cinema:

Juliette Binoche and Jeanne Moreau, 2011]

Why so? Because most of us, before being forced by the circumstances to remember it, forgot something crucial for our well-being:

One coaching question a day - #18. What's your strike three?

How would it look like, if you would play baseball in real life, without actually playing baseball?That's exactly what Emily Friehl, the main female character of the romantic comedy A Lot Like Love does.

Perfectly played by Amanda Peet, Emily is at first a young, "angry" woman with a grunge look and a sharp sense of irony, that assigns "strikes" to the people around her, and above all to men, when they let her down and don't live up to her standards.

[Young, beautiful, angry and a little bit grunge:

Amanda Peet as Emily Friehl as she first appears in the movie]

Over time, as Emily grows and evolves as a person and as a woman, the strikes system ceases to be in place, and yet it still makes it to one of the best quotes from the movie:

Emily, I'm flat broke. I don't have a job. I don't have a plan. And I know, I know I'm probably six years too late, but will you give me strike one back?

Ashton Kutcher as Oliver Martin

A Lot Like Love (2005) by Nigel Cole

How this has to do with you and with the coaching question of today, you may ask?

Singleness made in Berlin - #13. What do you need to live long and prosper, no matter what?

Once more, love is the answer. 

Like, love is the answer to all questions, apparently.

A couple of weeks ago, the results of all the tracking about physical and emotional well-being performed for over 75 years thanks to Harvard’s Grant and Glueck long-time study have been sum-up and the way Melanie Curtin explains it for Inc. and Fast Company struck a chord with me.

And it could probably be meaningful to you as well:

It doesn’t matter whether you have a huge group of friends and go out every weekend or if you’re in a “perfect” romantic relationship (as if those exist). It’s the quality of the relationships–how much vulnerability and depth exists within them; how safe you feel sharing with one another; the extent to which you can relax and be seen for who you truly are, and truly see another.

[Life extension? Transhumanism? Blue zones?

Supplements? Adaptogenic substances? Biohacking?

All we need is love, says the Harvard study.

Pic: Me, December 2018 © Radoslaw Kosiada]

How would you describe loving someone, and being loved?

A different take on how these holidays can help you change your life over time? 10 posts for you - Part #2.

What do you want to remember these holidays for?
Which hopes, dreams, goals, and desires are connected to them, in your mind, and what would help you while going all in for them, day by day?

As a small present from me, here you can find Part #2. of list of 10 posts from the blog that can help you change your life over time, embrace a new mindset, switch gears and learn how to love all the baby steps that are necessary for achieving something big, where "big" means "something big for you", in whatever shape and form this can be.

[Looking for something special?

Check the following five articles out.

Pic: Me, December 2018 © Radoslaw Kosiada]

Below you have the second five posts. Enjoy and check Part #1. out as well!

The reframing that changed my view about Christmas presents after twenty-five years

It has been over twenty-five years since the last time I celebrated Christmas.

Back in the days, I was still a teenager with already too many piercings, very short hazelnut hair and a brand-new passion for the color purple. 

[Hint: fast forward to today... My hair is long and mermaid green, piercings are not too many, after all, and purple still rocks]

[Close your eyes and... 
Be thankful for the amazing people in your life. 

Mermaid green hair is optional but pretty cool, if you ask me.

Pic: Me, December 2018 © Radoslaw Kosiada]

As a born and raised atheist that, by chance, spent her childhood and teenage years in a strictly Catholic country and grew extremely impatient about the whole Christmas hype, which in Italy can become absolutely huge, over the years I have been used to do my best to avoid Christmas and the Christmas preparations altogether.

And the questions about Christmas.

And the quest for rushed Christmas presents that are not always so authentic or well-meant.

And all the wishes and the postcards and the decorations and the big meals and people getting surprised because I don't celebrate the holiday and because no, I am not even Catholic. And I never have been.

Still, this year I upgraded my mindset about all Christmas-y things. 

Singleness made in Berlin - #12. How would you deal with a nearly impossible love story?

Amor vincit omnia, they have been saying for some time now. 

Like, for the last 2,000 years, as Latin poet Virgil once wrote something similar between roughly 44 and 38 BC and the expression apparently struck a chord with many people for the centuries to come:

Omnia vincit amor et nos cedamus amori 

("Love conquers all; let us all yield to love!")

Virgil [Publius Vergilius Maro, 70 BC-19 BC]

Over the centuries, everything has changed so many times, from how most kingdoms and countries looked and look like to religions, from social constructions and political environments to the life expectancy for most people and not only for the super wealthy ones, from the ways of living to the belief systems and the figures of speech that shape our mind and keep creating the world we live in. 

[Love against all odds: Zero and Agatha in

Wes Anderson's The Grand Budapest Hotel (2014)]

And yet we still like to believe that love can conquer all and that two individuals, if they really mean it, can beat all odds and overcome every obstacle and stay together, despite no matter which kind of social, economic and cultural gaps. 

Movies, love songs, theater plays, all sort of meme are there to make us believe that yes, it doesn't matter how crazy a love story can sound, it could work out eventually.

However...

Singleness made in Berlin - #10. How to realize that ghosting is (almost) never about you

"What do you think about ghosting?" he asks, while eating quietly his summer rolls, and yet looking at me very attentively.

I look back at him and I smile. And then I tell him that it's pretty interesting that he's asking this question right now, since I published something related to the topic on the blog a couple of days earlier.

"Why do you want to know my take on ghosting?" I then follow up.

"Because it is a very hot topic at the moment and everyone is talking about it".

[The only kind of ghosts you should care about?

Casper & Co. They are pretty cute]

Fair enough, I think.

Still, there is not so much to say about ghosting, in my humble opinion. The topic is just boring. And, before you wonder...

Have I been ghosted before, haven't I? Hell, yes. More than once. And both by guys I was just getting to know and by guys I liked a lot and could imagine getting serious with.
Did I take it personally? Hell, no.

Why?

Singleness made in Berlin - #9. Why being a gentleman should be cherished, or the Ninotchka effect

He looks at me, smiles and holds the door of the café for me, like it would be the most natural thing in the world and, from the way he does it, I can tell that for him it just is. 

And this makes me melt. 

If you ask me, there is nothing sexier about a man than his good manners and his timeless gentleman attitude about being of service to others and showing respect for those who can be of no possible service to him. 

Both precious assets that are, sadly enough, very rare and just as misunderstood these days, at least among men younger than 50+.

Gone are the days when a gentleman lightly took your hand in his and brushed his lips across it, or tipped his hat to acknowledge you as he chivalrously stepped aside to let you pass. 

Joan Collins 

[Leon: Your finger, please.

Ninotchka: Why do you need my finger?

Leon: It's bad manners to point with your own.]

Without having to mourn the loss of hats and handkerchiefs, it's possible to acknowledge that over the last decades, too many people started to believe that being a gentleman is something old-fashioned, passé or even worse a sign of misogyny.

Short and sweet motivational questions for your self-care #11. The noun that is actually a verb

When you think about love, what do you think about, and how would you describe it?

Is it something you feel or something you do?

Something you get or something you give?

Something that's there, per se, or something you work for and you work on?

Love is in the air, like in so many well-known pop songs.
And most people would describe it as a noun. A feeling, an emotion, something to experience and that's there, or not. That can surprise you, drive you crazy, or be over.

[You can be open for buying, for suggestions, for business,

for new opportunities, for a challenge...

Are you open to love as well?]

What does change for you, if you see love as a verb?

The question you should ask yourself before letting go for good someone you really like

Not (too) long ago, and definitely after experiencing many years of having good and not so good friends and charming and not so charming acquaintances, and of dating and being in some kind of relationship with someone, I stumbled upon a concept that changed everything for me:

Don't give part-time people in your life a full-time position in your heart.

If I should re-write this concept while using my own words, I would put is as: "Don't pay that much attention to how much you like someone, pay way more attention to how you like the way they treat you and how they make you feel, instead". Amen.

["Don't give part-time people a full-time position in your life",

or "Don't give part-time people full-time positions in your heart"...

Different words, the same powerful mantra to live by]

I hear you already, telling me things like:

Singleness made in Berlin - #6. The ultimate shit test while choosing a mate is...

"You sound like one of those dance teachers in one of those cheesy movies from the Eighties, giving your peep talk in front of lazy and unmotivated students", he says.

And, well... probably he is right.

While talking about dancing, I could go on and on for hours.

Even more, if the topic is dancing & flirting.

[Cheesy dance movies from the Eighties?

Let's go for Flashdance (USA 1983), please!]

Flirting can be fun, and yet so tricky, defined by ambivalence, doubt, possibilities, interpretations, allusions, double meanings, weird clues, hidden innuendo, and ambiguity.

That one small, surprising thing that water, the Creedence Clearwater Revival and your life goal have in common

While going big and embracing a special project, a great dream, nothing smaller than your ultimate vision or even your life goal, the reason you are on this planet right now...

Do you expect things to always go smoothly and everything to come easily to you?

I bet you don't.

Or at least this is what I hope for you. Expecting everything to be perfect from day one and carrying this kind of entitlement looks a lot like the perfect recipe for disaster, heartbreak, and frustration, to me.

[What do water, the Creedence Clearwater 
Revival, and your dreams have in common? 

More than you think, apparently.

Image credit: ISO Republic]

While talking about love and relationships and commitments, a friend of mine lately said something that made total sense and, strangely enough, made me think about one of the biggest hits of Creedence Clearwater Revival:

Hips don't lie, beards do. And people do it as well, sometimes - Part II

The young, blond man is sitting near me in the subway, at the end of a chilled & sunny summer day.

He's tall and he is hot and he's wearing glasses and... I surprise myself at doing it again.

While sitting absolutely motionless and apparently distracted near him and looking somewhere else in front of me, I am actually undressing him on my mind. 

Yes, exactly. I am imagining him without his huge hipster beard and, virtually, undressing his beautiful face and asking myself if he would be even more handsome without a beard.

["Rire dans sa barbe", a popular French idiomatic expression

not directly translatable into English,

as depicted by Auckland-based designer Anjana Iyer...

with a huge hipster beard, of course]

Gut feeling about that? Hell, yes.

Sorry for not being sorry about that.

As we said in the first part of this post, beards are not really my thing.

Singleness made in Berlin - #5. Or why it is important to pay attention to your own very personal red flags, even when you don't feel like doing it

Love is a game, they say. Love is a game and one should only know the rules well enough to play a good hand and win the jackpot. Easy-peasy, right?

Sometimes. For some people. Under some circumstances. In some cases.

Otherwise... not really. And yet, it gets easier over time, because you know who you are, what you want, what you are looking for, what makes you happy, what you are willing to accept, what are your personal no-nos and big huge red flags.

Of all our games, love's play is the only one which threatens to unsettle the soul... 

Marguerite Yourcenar [1903-1987]

Until... you don't. Or you suddenly decide that your no-nos and big huge red flags can become a bunch of maybes or are not so huge and not so red, after all. For now.
But just for now because, well, six months in the relationships, they would probably turn into that thing that drives you crazy, and not in a good way, or that makes you cringe without exception.

[A friend of mine asked me lately what are 

the most important assets in a man, in my humble opinion:

good manners, open communication, dancing skills,

a sense of humor, a very manly and pleasant smell...

Now Lunya’s +One scented candle that supposedly smells

like a sexy man is entering the market, for the last one]

According to Naomi Dunford, dating is not rocket science, even when you are looking for your significant other:

Why decluttering one's life, one day at the time, could be the most important thing you will ever do - Part 3. Emotional minimalism

Do you know the difference between speed and velocity?

How fast are you going through life and changes, and which one is your personal velocity?

Last but not least, who is dictating the pace of all this and what is non-negotiable to you?

US columnist, speaker and business writer Dale Dauten, author - among others books - of The Max Strategy (1996), The Gifted Boss (1999), Better Than Perfect (2006) and Mandatory Greatness (2013), famously said:

A meeting moves at the speed of the slowest mind in the room.

[The famous railway Tunnel of Love,

located between Klevan and Orzhiv (Ukraine)]

This is true for meetings, lessons, classes, workshops and any kind of social situations where you have different people spending time and sharing experiences together and therefore generating some kind of group dynamics.
This is true in your private life as well.

If you should make a choice between these two options, what would you go for?

Do you like to be liked?

I hear you saying already "Well, who does not like to be liked!?".

And you are definitely right.

Still, I have another question for you. 

Do you like to be loved?

If you should choose between both options, what would you go for? 

Being liked? Being loved? 

[To be liked, or to be loved, that is the question.

Pic: Me, August 2016

© Radoslaw Kosiada]

They are not the same.

And they mean very different things to different people.

How saying "Thank you" and "I am sorry" and "I apologize" and "You are welcome" every single day for the last two years changed my life - The famous "Karma tour" - Part 1.

"Well, you know. This whole karma thing of yours is amazing and such and I am very proud of you, of course, but for now, I can just be happy if you say that you have changed and I believe that you mean it. In one year from now, we can both see if this change is going to be for real". 

Old dogs don't learn new tricks, they say.

Oh well, sometimes they are right. But it depends on the dog.

What if that dog would be you?

Are you the kind of person that keeps saying like a broken record "I am like I am" or other amenities of the same kind?

Or are you the type of person that thinks to be able to change and to become the person you want to be?

If you belong to the second type of people, feel free to keep reading. I could have a story for you.

Which kind of story, you ask?

The story of how saying "Thank you" and "I am sorry" and "I apologize" and "You are welcome" every single day for the last two years of my life, no matter what, just changed everything, for me and for the people around me.

[Choose where you want to go, 
and then go all in for that.

One tiny little step at the time

Pics: Me, November 2017 
at Berlin's street art museum

Urban Nation © Radoslaw Kosiada]

Nope, it is not some kind of cheesy Hallmark production. It is real life. My own one.

The gratefulness habit that can have a huge influence on your life and takes only ten minutes a day

"It’s not easy to go where you’ve never been".

The sentence is apparently very plain and easy to understand, and yet reading it while taking care of a translation task somehow forced me to think about life, love, happiness, success, safety, and satisfaction.

How can you be happy, if you have never felt happy before and you don't know how happiness does look like?

How can you recognize love and trust, if you have no idea how they work?

How can you look for safety and success, when they are just a blurred idea in your mind?

I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.

 Douglas Adams [1952-2001]

There is no magic wand that can do the job for you, unfortunately.

However, you have many options available and in my experience, one of the most powerful ones is being grateful.

A ton of not so romantic and yet pivotal questions about attraction & falling in love, or just yet another blog post about the classic plot "Boy meets girl"

Boy meets girl... a classic and even archetypal plot that can describe in just three words the main idea of thousands of movies, books, songs, theatrical plays, comics, and other kinds of storytelling. 

We could also say "Boy meets boy" or "Girl meets girl", if diversity, political correctness, and inclusion are as important to you as they are for me, and yet the sexual orientation of the individuals that are falling in love would not make such a great difference.

The mind I love must have wild places.

Katherine Mansfield  [1888-1923]

The most important thing is that two people, previously two strangers to each other, at some point get to know each other and fall in love.

[Boy Meets Girl by Brandon Kallmes,

© 2011-2013

Image source: dribbbe]

What exactly do we love, when we are in love? What do we find interesting and attractive in another person? Is this something that can change over time, or do we tend to fall in love over and over again in the same way?