Coaching, reloaded - Coaching question of the day #262. - What your dreams and your happiness are made of

While interviewed about what in life could bring long-lasting happiness, Zappos' visionary CEO Tony Hsieh [1973-2020] replied: 

Most of the frameworks for happiness conclude that there are four things required: perceived control, perceived progress, connectedness (meaning the depths of relationships) and being part of something bigger than yourself.

We often tend to focus on the first two elements of this happiness formula, perceived control and perceived progress, and we don't pay that much attention to the other two elements.

Connectedness (emotional wellbeing and sense of belonging) is way too often taken for granted, and being part of something bigger is just good for children or for hopeless dreamers.

[Your dreams can be about whatever makes you happy

and gives meaning to your life.

Sharing them can change other lives as well]

And yet, it's no wonder one of the most remembered songs of John Lennon is still "Imagine", with its famous riff: 

Coaching, reloaded - Coaching question of the day #77. - Your weekly serendipity

Today, while looking for a Berlin address I have never been to before, I got lost.

I had some spare time at hand, and I enjoyed every minute of it: I discovered a couple of unexpected places, admired beautiful courtyards, and embraced such a serendipitous pleasure.

"Serendipity" can be explained best while tweaking a little a popular expression from the Sixties made even more popular by John Lennon in one of his songs: "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans."

[Serendipity could be...

getting lost somewhere and enjoying it]

Serendipity is what happens to us while we are busy making other plans if we are able to embrace and enjoy it.

That one small, surprising thing that water, the Creedence Clearwater Revival and your life goal have in common

While going big and embracing a special project, a great dream, nothing smaller than your ultimate vision or even your life goal, the reason you are on this planet right now...

Do you expect things to always go smoothly and everything to come easily to you?

I bet you don't.

Or at least this is what I hope for you. Expecting everything to be perfect from day one and carrying this kind of entitlement looks a lot like the perfect recipe for disaster, heartbreak, and frustration, to me.

[What do water, the Creedence Clearwater 
Revival, and your dreams have in common? 

More than you think, apparently.

Image credit: ISO Republic]

While talking about love and relationships and commitments, a friend of mine lately said something that made total sense and, strangely enough, made me think about one of the biggest hits of Creedence Clearwater Revival:

Hips don't lie, beards do. And people do it as well, sometimes - Part II

The young, blond man is sitting near me in the subway, at the end of a chilled & sunny summer day.

He's tall and he is hot and he's wearing glasses and... I surprise myself at doing it again.

While sitting absolutely motionless and apparently distracted near him and looking somewhere else in front of me, I am actually undressing him on my mind. 

Yes, exactly. I am imagining him without his huge hipster beard and, virtually, undressing his beautiful face and asking myself if he would be even more handsome without a beard.

["Rire dans sa barbe", a popular French idiomatic expression

not directly translatable into English,

as depicted by Auckland-based designer Anjana Iyer...

with a huge hipster beard, of course]

Gut feeling about that? Hell, yes.

Sorry for not being sorry about that.

As we said in the first part of this post, beards are not really my thing.

"When was the last time you wore a very tight short pin-up dress?", or the one about coaching diversity à la "Basic Instinct"

He says: "Your body language is so closed off, and yet you are smiling and looking so friendly..."

And I smile, and reply: "How about ladylike instead? Did you ever try to sit in front of a big audience with open body language while wearing a very tight short pin-up dress?".

One movement à la Basic Instinct and it is immediately clear while open body language would not be such a great idea, right now.

The guy looks at me and, maybe for the first time, he gets how it probably feels like to wear a dress.

Diversity doesn't have to be big words and long speeches.

Sometimes, a couple of sentences are enough, in order to show a different perspective about a situation, a way of thinking, a certain behavior.

[Then close your eyes and tap your heels together three times...

And you could see things with other eyes.

And if not, you are still wearing gorgeous purple shoes anyway]

The old saying about walking in someone else's shoes before judging is pure gold, even more while dealing with diversity and topics you have no real first-hand experience with.

If they could spend a day or two

Walking in someone else's shoes

I think they'd stumble and they'd fall

They would fall

Good Charlotte, Lifestyles of the Rich & Famous

The Young and the Hopeless (2000)

It can be that simple, sometimes.

Tags: Perspective switch, Diversity, Discovering new points of view

What to read next:

The visceral difference between "understanding" what diversity is and experiencing on your skin how does diversity actually "feel" 

Visiting the blog for the first time? Aloha! 

Where to start, if you are new

Short and sweet motivational questions for your self-care #1. The bright diamond

How bright are you going to shine, for yourself and the people around you, on a gray rainy day?
How are you going to transform a bad day into a good one, for them and for you?
What kind of energy are you carrying with you and sharing with others, in those days?

[A rainy day can be a chance to light up the day

for the people around you, and to drink 
way too much hot chocolate... But I digress ^^

Image credit: ISO Republic]

When the sun shines, we shine together

Told you I'll be here forever

Said I'll always be your friend

Took an oath, I'ma stick it out to the end

Now that it's raining more than ever

Know that we'll still have each other

You can stand under my umbrella

You can stand under my umbrella

Rihanna, Umbrella

Good Girl Gone Bad (2007)

The weather can be terrible, outside, but it's up to you to decide how bright and sunny your day is going to be. 

This one is for Calimero.
He definitely knows one thing or two about how to shine.

Tags: Self-care questions, Dealing with bad days, Mood & energy, Self-care

What to read next:

Three quotes that can help you shape the upcoming new year 15 minutes a day, and a big "light blue" thank you for another amazing blogging year together! 

Visiting the blog for the first time? Aloha! 
Where to start, if you are new

The perfect t-shirts wisdom for enjoying every minute of a brand new week... and owning it

T-shirts wisdom? Yes, please!

While going home after heavy, almost tropical rains (thanks, global warming?!) and a great Yin yoga class, I stumbled upon a guy wearing a white t-shirt with a cool & cheeky slogan and, once more, I was amazed at how "wise" and inspiring t-shirt slogans can be and how fast they can influence your mood.

So watch out, because meeting someone with the right t-shirt can make or break your day.

[If you look like Dwayne Johnson aka The Rock,

you can get away with a corny unicorn t-shirt

that says "Always be you",

like in Central Intelligence (USA 2016)] 

What was the message of the mysterious white t-shirt?

Hips don't lie, beards do. And people do it as well, sometimes - Part I

The first bearded man in my life was Mr. Cookies. 

He was neither the least famous bearded cousin of Ronald McDonald and the Hamburglar nor the older brother of the Gingerbread man.

[Gingy, the cute and valiant Gingerbread man of the Shrek series

No close relation with Mr. Cookies.

Well, at least not as far as I know. One never knows]

He was the bearded neighbor living on the first floor of my apartment building when I was a child. A quiet and peaceful man a little bit overweight, probably in his forties, married with a blond enchanting nice woman, he was always kind, smiling and fun to talk to.

Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life’s about creating yourself.

George Bernard Shaw [1856-1950]

I have never been religious, not even as a child, but Mr. Cookies - this was his real last name, only translated into Italian, of course - was to me the closest thing to Santa Claus, that I had ever seen in real life so far. And probably also afterward.

So a bearded man was for me so far someone somehow friendly and helpful and such, but for sure not attractive or sexy. And not only because as a child I had not yet very clear in my mind what sex appeal or sexiness should be.

Then it was the turn of Candy Candy, of course.

Singleness made in Berlin - #2. Or how to recognize if you spent too many years flirting in German

Taking big decisions, changing life, switching from a situation to a new one, starting a new business or trying out a different hobby or activity can be challenging and scary, but also very rewarding, in the long run, if one is ready to accept the pain, the discomfort and the uncertainty in the first place, as Mark Twain beautifully said:

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do, so throw off the bowlines, sail away from safe harbor, catch the trade winds in your sails.

Explore, Dream, Discover.

Mark Twain [pen name of Samuel Langhorne Clemens, 1835-1910]

Something like this can be mind-blowing, but it is for sure not everybody's cup of tea.

[One popular motivational Internet meme:

The magic happens outside the comfort zone]

Same same but different, they say. 

We are all human beings, we have the same needs, we know the same feelings and we experience the same emotions, even if we learn to show and express them in different ways, depending on variables like culture, country, familiar situation, education, gender, age, etc.

And yet we all are going to die at some point and so we should take the most out of our days. 

How to check out in tricky situations, or why the right kind of silence tastes better than the usual lemonade

Things, situations, and people are not always as we would love them to be.

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, they say.

This is for sure a good point, and yet not everybody likes lemonade, if you know what I mean.

"Fools," said I, "You do not know 

Silence like a cancer grows 

Hear my words that I might teach you 

Take my arms that I might reach you" 

But my words like silent raindrops fell 

And echoed in the wells of silence

Simon & Garfunkel, The Sound of Silence 

(Sounds of Silence, 1966)

[When life gives you lemons, just make lemonade... or not?

Image source: semiswede]

Nor everybody can stay positive all the time no matter what, have a strong can-do attitude and be able to smile and keep doing what one has to do also during hard times or while dealing with a jerk. But sometimes it just doesn't work anyway or any longer. Sometimes the whole situation is just too much for one to deal with.

What to do in such cases?

My boots are made for walkin', or 5 things you can do when you feel lost

I am pretty sure that this happened to you as well, at one point or another in your life: feeling stuck, feeling that you don't know what to do, feeling that you have no clue about what you actually want. 

These boots are made for walkin'

And that's just what they'll do

One of these days these boots

Are gonna walk all over you

Nancy Sinatra, These Boots Are Made for Walkin’

(These Boots Are Made for Walkin’, 1966)

Let's be honest. Feeling that way is not funny at all. And it is even less funny having the impression that you are not yourself any longer, that you are somehow lost and unable to move forward or to move on when it would be necessary.

[What to do? 
Feeling unable to move on, to take a decision or to solve a problem

is no fun at all...]

And yet it doesn't last forever. It never lasts forever. Exactly when you think that you are about to spin around for good, things start to make sense again. Suddenly, you are not lost any longer. Suddenly you know exactly what you have to do. 

Such a moment is pure magic.

But what you can do while waiting for that moment?

Memory Vs. Imagination, which one would you choose?

Today someone asked me one of the famous one million dollar questions. And it was a very good question indeed, and yet I was surprised because, at that moment, I realized that I have never asked myself something like that, at least on a conscious level.

[Good memories, anyone?

Mnemosyne, the titaness of memory 

celebrated in the Greek mythology]

And... here we are with the question.

What would you prefer? 

To have some wonderful memories or to imagine something wonderful?

I had to think a little about that and...

"What I want to do before I die?" Candy Chang and John Lennon can help you answer that question

When does one realize that life is getting serious?
That one is becoming an adult, after all?

While getting older, I find myself confronted almost on a daily basis with: friends who are getting married, who are starting a family and having children, who are falling in love, who are buying a house or moving to another city or making a career makeover... 

I am not yet much confronted with death, but it happens sometimes to hear that someone I love just lost a friend, a relative, a loved one.

[Art installation Before I Die by Candy Chang

Image credit: Candy Chang.Com]

In the song "Beautiful Boy" John Lennon says that life is what happens to us while we are busy making other plans. Life is somehow difficult to be planned and we are used to thinking that we have a lot of time. We are used to saying: "One day, I will do this and that". We are used to taking a lot of things for granted.

Mood: The Power of Love

How do you know that you are in love?

Like, really in love? I mean... really in love. 

How do you recognize that?

Can you notice the difference between: 

- being in love with an idea, an ideal, a romantic pattern;

- being in love with a real human being, with flaws and mistakes and misunderstandings?

Envy will hurt itself 
Let yourself be beautiful 
Sparkling love, flowers 
And pearls and pretty girls 
Love is like an energy 
Rushin' rushin' inside of me

Motel Connection, The Power of Love
(A/R Andata + Ritorno, 2004)

[Crown Color Trend 2011
Image source: TrendLand]

Is it possible to let an idea go? Really go?
Is it possible to be free and to think that loving an idea is simply not enough?
Is it possible to enjoy being alone, while waiting for an idea to become real?

Tags: Love, Relationships, Motel Connection, The Power of Love, Music, Lyrics

What to read next:
Jay Gatsby's way of loving, or the dilemma between pushing harder and giving up

Visiting the blog for the first time? Aloha!

Where to start, if you are new

On Air: Wir müssen das nicht tun

The hard part of being intolerant or allergic to something is not really not being able to be in contact with something or to eat it. No. The hard part is knowing it and feeling bad because of it. Feeling 'defekt', wrong, even stupid sometimes.

With some people is just the same. With people that are wrong for you.

[Purple chocolate, anyone?]

Touching a screen? No, thanks! Or how deep emotions run under your skin

Ayurvedic massage, Balinese massage, Swedish massage, Shiatsu massage, Watsu massage... and so on. You could be surprised to discover how many different types of massage you can choose from.

For sure I was.

Lately, I'm learning and researching a lot about body massages for a series of articles I am working on. Every kind of body massages.

[All you need is... just a little bit of... stone therapy.

In purple, of course]

Suddenly I've realized, once again, how important our body is. How important is to be connected. To feel with your own body. To be hugged. To experience warmth, but not the kind of you can get from someone is trying to sell you something. To deeply touch somebody important for you.

And once again, I thought of this beautiful post by Julien Smith. Here just a taste:

Touching a screen isn’t the same as touching a person. The best stuff happens outside the web. Outside is new and frightening, not comfortable. Encountering pain helps transform your vision of yourself and forces you to grow.

Julien Smith
Why you should quit the Internet

To be touched could obviously mean to be hurt, as well. Most of the times, to be honest, if you care about someone or something, you become vulnerable. And it makes any difference, whether or not someone is going to use this 'power' against you because this person is or is not interested in you.
How can you feel alive without to be touched?

I've got you under my skin
I've got you deep in the heart of me
So deep in my heart, that you're really a part of me
I've got you under my skin

I've Got You Under My Skin (1936)

by Cole Porter, incredibly famous thank to 

Frank Sinatra, Frankie Valli and Michael Bublé

I know exactly when I gave someone a 'real' hug the last time.
And if you're asking yourself if I would do it again, in the same situation, the answer is 'For sure!'. Even more deeply than I did, I guess.
How about you?

Tags: Body, Body massage, Hugging, Quote, Lyrics

What to read next:

"Happiness is made of..." The happiness inventory that should become your new reality check tool, perfect for good as well as for bad days

Visiting the blog for the first time? Aloha!
Where to start, if you are new

Mood: Closing Time, one more time, or When you know that it's time to say goodbye

Sometimes it is very hard to say goodbye. 
Goodbye to someone, goodbye to something... goodbye to a job, to a place, to a habit. 
Goodbye to a time. Goodbye to the old-you and welcome to the new-you.

[Time is ticking...

Even if sometimes it hurts to say goodbye]

But, for the same reason, if you find it so hard to do, it's because most of the time you really have to do it. You have no choice, no alternative, no time to lose any longer. You deserve something different and you have to accept it.
It hurts, most of the time, if not always. But you have to. Anyway.

On Air: Like a Rolling Stone

No, you can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
And if you try sometime you find
You get what you need...

The Rolling Stones, You Can't Always Get What You Want
(Let It Bleed, 1969)

[Keith Richards and Anita Pallenberg
at the time of their relationship, 1969]

You can't always get what you want, the Rolling Stones say. Of course not. Nobody can have it all.

But if you really want something, fight for it and try to get it. Really try. Maybe you can lose, but maybe not. If you don't try, you are not going to know it.

You can think that it's easy to say something like that for me, right? We are not talking about me, after all... Well, we are also talking about me, of course.

I am trying to learn German and change my life. It's not easy, but I want it and I am trying.

What is your biggest dream?

Are you trying to achieve it?

--

Non puoi sempre ottenere quello che desideri, cantano i Rolling Stones. Certo che no: nessuno può ottenere sempre tutto.

Ma se desideri davvero qualcosa, lotta per ottenerlo e provaci. Provaci davvero. Magari perderai, ma magari no. E se non provi, non avrai modo di scoprirlo.

Stai pensando proprio ora che è facile per me parlare così, giusto? Non stiamo parlando di me, dopo tutto. Beh, stiamo parlando anche di me, naturalmente.

Sto cercando di imparare il tedesco e di cambiare la mia vita. Non è facile, ma voglio farlo e ci sto provando.

Qual è il tuo sogno più grande?

Stai cercando di realizzarlo?

Tags: The Rolling Stones, You Can't Always Get What You Want, Let It Bleed, Lyrics, Testi, Music, Musica, Dreams, Sogni